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Soo um hello? Hahahaha. It took me 6 months of movement control order, 4 completed Netflix/Amazon Prime binge and a broken phone to finally drag my arse to write on this page. And it feels soo good to be here. Not too sure what pictures will I put on this post tho. Buttt…we’ll see! (update: the pictures were from when me, Farah and Nadiah went to a matcha place in TTDI)
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Recap on what’s been happening in my life: I moved back to living with my parents and enjoying every bit of it. I’m starting clinical years at the end of October (excited!). I passed my first professional exam part II (thanks for the faith, wishes and prayers 😊). I registered for USMLE exam. What else… Ooh! I bought myself a new oven. The last oven had given up on me. I’m actually excited about the new one. I’ll show you what it looks like later on (talking about ovens..very cool Nadirah). And I got a brand new phone from Apple as the previous one had a factory defect.
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There’s not much going for me right now really. It feels odd. For someone who’s used to being on the go all my life, it isn’t easy for me to just sit down and unwind. To be fair, I’ve been redecorating and renovating the house since after exam finished hehe. I hope it’s not too late for me to revive this website 😅 I never intended for this site to be abandoned for so long. To be fair, I hadn’t gone AWOL from the website. I did some housekeeping stuff though you can basically count with your fingers on how many times I did that hahaha. I kept on writing and putting stuff to draft — this post has been on draft for nearly a month!
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I sincerely hope everyone is doing fine in this COVID season. When Malaysia started our strict 5-week lockdown, it really felt like the end of the world was then for me. I was stuck in KL. I decided not to go back to my parents’ as I would want to focus on the professional exam that would be around 3 months’ time then. Plus, as I was in a COVID red zone, I was very wary of infecting anyone else. In retrospect, I was glad that I took that decision. There are times in that 5 weeks where I was extremely overwhelmed, but it forced me to actually face myself. I was living by myself in that 3 months. And when I was alone, I had nowhere to run to in order to distract myself from…myself. If that makes sense.
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Frankly, I’ve been putting stuff under the rug for quite a while by the start of the lockdown. I lost my footing with who I am. The stress of the exam didn’t help either, and add the fear of getting COVID to that haha 😅 Since I have nowhere to run to then, I had a lot to reflect and process what had been happening to my life, on the things I want to improve and on things that I should give myself credit for. I realised that I wasn’t in the best of health physically and emotionally in the first 3 months of 2020, and it’s made it harder for me to focus on my emotional well-being and be kind. As much as I encourage people to be kind on this space, I’ve always believe that sometimes life happens. And as much as I want to be kind and radiate positivity, I must also be a realist. It is always easier to be kind and be understanding to another being when we are in a good place physically, emotionally and intellectually.
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On the other hand, my therapist had also reminded me not to be too harsh on myself. I am allowed to get upset when I am unfairly provoked. I am allowed to set my boundaries even if it may appear mean to others. I am allowed to stand up for myself and call people out when I am mistreated. All of these are quite difficult for me to wrapped my head around tbh. Until now, I felt a bit weird doing those things. It’s so strange to tell myself that these are all healthy for me as long as I have good intentions behind the decision. And for me to be clear of the reasons — I have to face the situation head on, reflect and be brutally honest with myself. I do feel a lot more peaceful and zen when I did all those stuff, but it feels sooo weird 😅 hahaha. Oh no. I have written for too long in this post! See, I do miss writing hahaha. Okay okay I’ll see you in another post soon. Sooner than you imagine ♥️
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