medical school | ..is hard

I’m on Day 43 of Malaysia’s Movement Control Order 😹 I can’t wait for the order to loosen up a bit because I miss going out to exercise soo much! I’m not complaining too much about getting minimum socialising tho. If anything, the movement control order actually does me good in forcing myself to stay home to study 😅

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I’ve been having this conversation a lot with my friends lately. At this point, I still feel as though I know nothing. I wish I am kidding. I started my revision as early as November last year, but don’t get me wrong. There were many (many) times when I had done absolutely nothing for 2-3 weeks 😹 So um, it wasn’t a continuous effort hahahaha!

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But that’s the thing tho. I know I’ve been revising and working on the exam (fairly) continuously. But I keep on forgetting what I’ve learned. Everyday I question why am I trying so hard when I’d forget what I learn anyways. Sometimes I even forget what I do that day 😅 Most of the time, I keep medical school away from Instagram and this website. Frankly, I was avoiding it. I just want a medium where I am free from it for a bit.

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But let’s be honest here — medical school consumes a large chunk of my life. I often received comments on how studious and on top of things I am. Sigh. Guys, let’s get one thing straight now — I am not. I don’t want to give out false ideas on how I’m coping with school. I procrastinate a lot. Just last week, I spent 2 consecutive days doing absolutely nothing. No books, just Netflix. Most of the time, I only do the bare minimum!

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But that being said — I try to maintain some effort. Because first, I’m on sponsorship. I am legally bind to maintain certain grades 😅 Second, I try my best to be an, at least, adequate doctor by the time I graduate. And this requires more than just good grades. It requires good work ethics too.

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Times are especially hard when I’m getting burnt out, or I feel as though nothing works. Hit me up if you understand what I’m feeling! The other day, I was doing CNS I think, when I just flipped the table (not literally ofc) and turned on my PS4 and pretended that books don’t exist. I realised one thing today, and it’s very amusing — I get genuinely angry whenever I’m doing CNS 😹

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Tbh I don’t really rely on motivation to study. As much as I would like to disagree with my dad on things, he got this right. Screw motivation. Our work ethics, daily routines and discipline are the ones that keep us going in reaching our goals. You just gotta force yourself to open that book, or watch that lecture — day in and day out.

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But like I said, I do have moments when I am just done with school work. Sticking with routines are difficult even for people without ADHD. Can you imagine how hard it is for me 😓 But it’s okay. Everyone has their fair share in life. We just gotta make the best with what we have.

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And I also struggle with guilt whenever I’m not studying. Can anyone relate with me here? Please say yes 🥺 I guess we just have to believe that time off from studying is the process of learning. It’s important as these are the times where we can recuperate and avoid burning out. Hahaha buttttt there’s the struggle to draw the line between recuperating and procrastinating mann. Haish. It is a never ending cycle!

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Well, basically the whole point of this writing is to vent out how hard medical school is 😹 Sigh. I apologise if this entry is a downer. I hope at least one of you can relate to me so I won’t feel as lonely hehe. I don’t know guys. There is still a fire hose load of materials I need to learn, nothing is sticking in my brain, there is not much time left, and it feels hopeless at times.

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