changes i made in 2019

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It’s 1.45 a.m., and I can’t sleep. Tomorrow is the start of semester 5. I figure might as well do something productive since sleeping feels impossible. This semester is the professional exam semester before I enter the clinical years, hence I’m trying to get into a good sleeping routine so I can revise better. But all’s good. I hope my sleep pattern gets better in this week or so!

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While you’re reading this post, enjoy these pictures of the usual January brunch with Mimi 😆 Serious, if I remember correctly, we’ve been doing this for around 5-6 years already!

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Let’s talk about changes. If you’ve been reading my posts since the early days, you’d probably (vaguely) remember that I’m a firm believer that people constantly change — for the better or worse. I believe that although people’s core values may remain roughly the same throughout one’s life (i.e. a kind soul, one’s generosity, or good humour), as we experience life, we develop skills that accent our character. As an example — I went back to my high school to be one of the panel for an interview last year, and a former classmate told me after a half-a-day of interaction, “Nadirah, you haven’t changed at all! Still same ‘ol.”

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While some may take offence of the comment, I smiled at that. I don’t mind it. I’m glad that with the challenges life throws at me, she still recognised me as the happy, smiley, and bubbly Nadirah whom she knew almost 10 years ago. I’m glad that I manage to retain that part of me because, when the anxiety, depression, and ADHD symptoms spikes 3 years back, my closest friends told me that it was as if I was a different person. They couldn’t recognise me. I couldn’t laugh. I couldn’t smile. I wasn’t looking forward to absolutely anything.

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With that being said, I know that I’ve changed a lot since the friend last saw me. Heck, I’m not even the same person as I was 3 months ago. I constantly strive to better myself, and I think that’s a beautiful thing that we should all strive for. I have matured in many ways. I have learnt many new things. I have overcome many challenges. Sure, I have a lot more to learn in this life, but I’m quite proud of where I came from. 😊

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And that, is important.

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I have a mixed feeling about 2019. It was definitely a better year for me. I experimented a lot with new routines and habits. While there are changes that didn’t turn out good, I want to write about the changes I made for the better in this post.

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Do the difficult talk// To be honest, I still question if this change served me well last year. I lost someone really dear to me when I decided to have the difficult talk. I often wonder if we would still talk like we usually do if I just let things go back then. But then again, I rather sit down and have a respectful honest conversation than pretending that all is unicorns and rainbows. To be honest, I didn’t expect us to instantaneously drift apart from that talk. Anyways..it is what it is, and I wish him well.

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Embraced life normalities// Okay I didn’t expect this one to come up in this list. I thought I was fairly comfortable with being myself. But I realise that though I basically do just whatever I want, I still care what people think of me deep down. There are multiple times last year when I had to explain myself on social media about where I was coming from on certain stuff or why I posted lots of pictures of me going out with friends – none of which actually is anyone else’s business. These are my life normalities and I shouldn’t have had to explain myself to strangers. I like to cook and bake, I like to eat out, I exercise, I like to take pretty pictures, I take care of my aesthetics, I prefer to wind down alone. I learn that as long as I know that my heart and intention are in the right places, I should just embrace the way I live. And I think you should too ☺️

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Productivity yields results// Consistency is key. I struggled with balancing school and everything else last year. I was burnt out for the most of 2019. However I noticed that my academics was fairly alright. Contrary from when I was trying to be the perfect student. My grades had improved back to when I was in high school when my strategy was simply to just keep on going. Ever so often, we put ridiculous goals for us to cross out by the end of the day or the week. And when we don’t manage to achieve those goals we thought of ourselves as failures — or at least, I did. It was so demotivating! So last year I went back to practice what my dad had nagged me since I was in primary school – to be consistent and discipline in my work. I kept track of my progress and I made working on school stuff as a default which means, when I’m not in school or out with friends or eating and unwinding or going to the gym — I’ll be studying. I made the change mainly to keep myself sane for the exams but it turns out good for the results as well.

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As I review this post, I realise that this is probably what growing up feels like eh? It’s actually nice. To be able to force ourselves to address the uncomfortable and find out that we end up fairly okay. Either we get the results that we aim for, or we learn from our mistakes. Comment below with the things you learnt last year so I can learn about it too! ♥️

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