headspace | elephant in the room

It’s close to 1 a.m. as I start to write this post. It may take me 3-4 days to finish this write up. I finally manage to drag myself to address my emotional well-being. This is the first few steps. I know I haven’t been feeling alright since May/June, but around that time I chose to focus on my professional exam rather than thoroughly deal with my emotions. Tbh I can feel myself deteriorating since but I deliberately ignore and dismiss it because heck, I don’t want to deal with reality! 😂

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Probably it’s a good idea to list down everything that happened this year to get things out of my mind. I don’t think I’ll post it up here though. I’ll probably list it later on, we’ll see. Ugh. Some of my close friends may think that it’s easy for me to open up about the difficult stuff. I don’t blame them, because I do write things up on this white space. Even my doctor said a couple of times that I’m a tough nut to crack as I masked my challenges very well.

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Okay. When I say that I masked myself well, the moment I start to open up about it – people will be surprised, to which I absolutely understand. But when M called me fake after I finally mustered up the courage to face him about stuff. Oof – that hurts. Really bad. I don’t know why it affects me soo much. Maybe because that’s the one thing I can be sure that I am not.

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Pardon my language, but even if someone calls me a b**** or a d*** or extra, I…I can actually agree with them to certain extent depending on the context. Call me a hypocrite? Maybe, but still only on rare contexts where I have to be polite. But a fake, I am not. I have to physically remove myself from situations where I am annoyed or irritated just to make sure people won’t see it on my face. That’s how much I cannot fake.

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And for someone whom I consider to be a close confidant to call me that, only attest to the fact that he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t reciprocate with how I see him, and that hurts. Probably because of the distance and lack of physical communication he has this painted image of who he thinks I am, which I believe I have to stop taking responsibility for.

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Hahaha I digress. A few days ago, I had one of the nightmares again. It was not as bad as the night terrors I had years before, but it was awful. And it scares me. That’s when the okay-Nadirah-it’s-time-to-work-things-out moment happened. 😛 Btw, I’d just include pictures of me, Farah, and Sabrina when we went to Huckleberry last week for aesthetic purpose hehe.

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I believe that this part of my recovery to attain good emotional health (again) can be part of a #headspace instalment. Hm, it’d be interesting to see how I cope with the ADHD and anxiety symptoms as well as preventing myself to get into the depressive dark hole again. I said this to Shillon a couple times when we were talking about our muscle ache and my insomnia – “Well, some people get cancer.” I was referring to everyone has their own bad share in life. And to quote my lovely dad, “It is not what life throws at us. It is how we react to it that matters and defines us as a person.” ♥️

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2 thoughts on “headspace | elephant in the room

  1. So nice to find your blog, Nadirah. I hope the New Year will see your anxiety etc stabilize so you can enjoy life. I really admire you for persevering with your medical career in spite of all the difficulties mental illness brings. I am 71 and fought depression all my life. I too had to make the choice of whether to try psychiatry. It was hell and as you say in your posts, it’s an ongoing battle, juggling medications and their side-effects. It takes courage but anyone with mental illness should address it, get whatever help they can. And be open about it. There is nothing shameful in it. I am discovering that there are sooo many of us now fighting this thing.
    I like your travel pictures too. I lived in Penang for 3 months in 1962. It was lovely. I also went back a couple of times, to KL, Singapore, Malacca even Sabah, Just love that part of the world.
    Take good care of yourself. Best wishes from Carolyn. I live in the USA but originally I am from the UK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Carolyn! It’s so lovely to wake up to your comment ❤ I'm always happy when others enjoy Malaysia. Perhaps I'm biased as I'm born here haha, but it's nice that you enjoy the country. I enjoy the UK so much and look forward to visit America in a couple of years' time.

      And I agree, shame is one of the biggest hindrance for people with mental illness from seeking medical attention. But, getting help helps me cope with life sooo much that I wish I'd get it sooner! I hope others can see it too.

      You take good care of yourself too, and I hope the new year will treat you well ❤ Cheers, Nadirah.

      Like

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