it’s taking forever

I’ve started my writing on the website since 4 days ago. I started it with rereading all my post from writing #1 to get the idea and concept of this website back into me. However, it’s taking too looooonngggg. 😭 I’m glad I decided to document my life. Reading back all these posts and looking back at all the pictures, I’ve seen myself grow. And I’ve changed a lot too (in a good way I hope).

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At the time of writings, I didn’t realise how much the uncontrolled anxiety and depression had taken away from me. It was as if I am a different person! And Nadirah at that time honestly was just sad. 😿 I just want to hold that girl and give her a big tight bear hug. No wonder earlier this year when Dr. G saw that I’ve been making so much progress, he couldn’t help but to hug me tight. *tears in eyes*

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Recovery from mental illness especially one that is chronic like mine, is not easy. There’d be A LOT of relapse and setbacks. Oh my I can’t stress that enough. If you think mental illness recovery is halfway done once you meet a professional, you’re in for a surprise.

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Right at this moment, I’d say I’m 80% better. My diagnosis is in my gene, I can only manage it but not be cured from it. But you know what, I’m okay with that. I truly am. Because, even at 80% recovery, I am myself again (yay!), I can function, and most importantly I am happy. ☺️ Admitting you need help and actively seeking for one are both major steps, however, the road to recovery is much harder. You have to admit and be honest to yourself about a lot of things. You need to extract all that unpleasant memories that you’ve been avoiding all this while and address them head on. There’s a lot of effort and self-reflection required of you.

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And you have to do it yourself.

It takes courage.

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I truly believe that those who actively seek help to address their mental illness are one of the courageous people in this world. They might not think of themselves this (because I don’t think of myself this). But having gone through it (and still am in it), for me not to give up on myself to simply live with crippling anxiety and depression forever and still pushing my place in this world. That’s courage, babes.

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And there are a lot more factors to consider on top of your messed up mind — people would look down on you, people would talk bad about you, people would comment on your life, you’re still required to carry out typical daily activities. It’s hard.

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Okay. As usual, I’ve written far more than I expected to haha! And I didn’t expect this writing would go on a more serious note. πŸ˜… I promise, I promise. Next entry would be a lot more lighter and fun. πŸ˜›

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