headspace | taking my time

I had a talk with crush yesterday. We talk about stuff, fun stuff. Then he asked me about how I am doing with the therapy. And again he told me his usual thing where he said it’d be good if I take most of the year off. Right then, I had enough.

 

Goodness, guys. I’m tearing up while writing this. Yes.. Definitely crying. 😓

 

I want to know why he keeps on saying that. I value his opinion of course, but I want to know why. I don’t want to make decision on my life just because someone says so. This is my life after all. I couldn’t understand why he and one other person (but the other person isn’t as persistent as he is) asked me to think about having a longer break from school when the majority of people around me insist me on getting into school asap.

 

I asked him why.

 

He said in honesty, I’ve been fighting this anxiety for three years since the start of medschool and I haven’t had  lot of time to get things under control since then. So, it’d be ashamed to go to uni straight away for the same thing to happen again (i.e. do all that study then not getting a degree at the end of it).

 

Oh my God, guys. I bawled into tears when I read his texts. I need to hear that more than I realise. Thank you, Lord. After all this while battling the anxiety, I thought no one sees how much I work hard to get better, and how much it disappoints me when I was trying hard to overcome the anxiety but I keep losing again and again. I thought all this while, it was just me — alone.

 

At last I finally admit it to myself. I need this time off. I have to stop pushing myself to get better and get into studying as fast as possible again just because I’m afraid I’m getting old for a degree, just because most of my peers are married and having children (I don’t even want to be there at that point of life right now honestly. Haha, yay to peer pressure!).

 

To those who are worried about me and want me to get into school asap, I know you mean good. I know you care. But I’m going to take my time. I know I’m getting better, I can genuinely feel it this time. But I also know that I’m not ready to start uni all over again right this moment. Because I don’t want to mess this chance too as I previously did, multiple times, because I rushed myself. Maybe in a couple of months I’ll be ready. However, right now I’m recovering.

 

I feel okay. I have my support system around me. But I need to be sure that I get enough rest and that I am ready to start the whole medschool journey again. I know I want to do medicine. I have so much to contribute to the healthcare system. I just need my rest for a little bit.

 

p/s I’m aiming for a specific medical course right now, please pray and wish me all the best to get a place in the programme. 😊 I don’t usually share personal conversation between me and crush, but this one hit me really hard that I need to journal it down on the blog.

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