Every time I think about my sponsor, my university, my future, my life. It drives me almost insane. Definitely not helping the anxiety attacks.
I’ve been sleeping at 4 a.m.
Every. Single. Night (morning).
I couldn’t sleep. When I do, I couldn’t stay asleep.
When I am asleep, I get horrible nightmares.
I keep worrying. My mind couldn’t just stop thinking.
I have the constant feeling that something is about to get me.
O Allah. Please.. I beg you. Please give me strength to go through each day. Please make life easier for me. I am exhausted. I’m tired. I know You’re listening. I know You’d respond. Please.. Help me.
Sometimes no matter how strong or how courageous I want to fight the mental illness, I just crumble. I fail. I cry. I get disappointed at myself. *sigh*
One of the main reasons I want to document my mental illness in the blog is to let the people out there know how ugly it can be. And also to let people know that people who suffered from generalised anxiety disorder are just like anybody else. We have dreams. We have life goals. We want to be happy. We make A LOT of effort to fight the anxiety.
Heh, life isn’t perfect eh. Everyone has their own struggle. This is just a phase. I’ll get through this. Just keep going, Nadirah. Although God put you in this much pain, He still gives you sooo much other stuff in life for you to be grateful for; reasons for you to put up a fight every day. And for that, you mustn’t give up.
But until I finally get through this dark phase of my life, this is how I would be living it. Anxiety disorder is not a choice, guys. It’s a disease.