Every time I think about my sponsor, my university, my future, my life. It drives me almost insane. Definitely not helping the anxiety attacks.
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I’ve been sleeping at 4 a.m.
Every. Single. Night (morning).
I couldn’t sleep. When I do, I couldn’t stay asleep.
When I am asleep, I get horrible nightmares.
I keep worrying. My mind couldn’t just stop thinking.
I have the constant feeling that something is about to get me.
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O Allah. Please.. I beg you. Please give me strength to go through each day. Please make life easier for me. I am exhausted. I’m tired. I know You’re listening. I know You’d respond. Please.. Help me.
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Sometimes no matter how strong or how courageous I want to fight the mental illness, I just crumble. I fail. I cry. I get disappointed at myself. *sigh*
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One of the main reasons I want to document my mental illness in the blog is to let the people out there know how ugly it can be. And also to let people know that people who suffered from anxiety disorder are just like anybody else. We have dreams. We have life goals. We want to be happy. We make A LOT of effort to fight the anxiety.
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Heh, life isn’t perfect eh. Everyone has their own struggle. This is just a phase. I’ll get through this. Just keep going, Nadirah. Although God put you in this much pain, He still gives you sooo much other stuff in life for you to be grateful for; reasons for you to put up a fight every day. And for that, you mustn’t give up.
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But until I finally get through this dark phase of my life, this is how I would be living it. Anxiety disorder is not a choice, guys. It’s a disease.
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nadirahim.com 
Absolutely not a choice, great post and so honest.
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Thank you, Mindfump! Your writings are awesome, I can relate so much. 😀
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Thank YOU! I appreciate it more than you know.
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Hi Nadirah. Have been following your blog for some time. I never check with an expert before but pretty much I think I have OCD case. Self diagnosed so I am not sure if this illness is really bugging me or it is just my mind messing up with myself. In my case, I deal mix of cleanliness, procedural, and a bit with religious activities problems…but again, only self diagnosed so not sure to what extend my case is.
I do feel guilty of myself most of the times like I am not doing justice to my own self for letting this illness taking over my consciousness. Feel like I am an outcast…out of place in normal social environment. Sometimes I searched Google or YouTube to find more people having similar problem just to let myself feels that I am not alone (pathetic, right?). Oh I have kind of a favorite video that always give me the push…or motivation to brave this mind battle…fav part at 1:30-1:40…her words just stroke right to my heart when I first listened to it. Here’s the link if you wanna see:
Crying…well…it is one of the parts of the “battle” aftermath. I don’t think it is normal for a male person to cry as much as I am (>..<";).
Sincerely,
ID
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*I think there was something wrong with my comment above. It excluded the end part of my comment. Here it is…(thankfully I have ctrl c before, can just ctrl v here :D)
Ok a bit side tracked here from what my original motive of commenting on your post. Nadirah, your blog helped me to realize that everyone has their own internal battle. Each are different. Each require its own unique way to win the battle. But several things in common, we need to be brave and have faith in the future…and I see those in your blog. I felt I need to respond to this post to just give a little extra support from a random person (despite I really believe that you have plenty of supports from your family and close friends).
Nadirah…InsyaAllah, He will help you. He won’t burden you with things that you are incapable of because He knows you are strong. You are not alone. No one…is alone.
Sincerely,
ID
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Thank you for the kind words ID!
Believe it or not, my psychologist told me almost the same exact words as what the psychiatrist told Emma. When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was so scared for being weird. But hey, Google helped me a lot in finding those people who are and have survived mental illness. That gives me hope, so it’s not pathetic. 🙂
Extra support is always welcome! I sincerely hope one day you’ll get to manage the OCD.
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