plane thoughts

I’m writing this on my way back, it’s probably my last flight to Townsville.

 

I haven’t received any official decision from the university yet, but from my meeting with the learning advisor and the Dean, she’s quite eager for me to change course. However, that wasn’t the thing that hurt me the most. It hit me rock bottom when the learning advisor said,

 

“I know anxiety well. You’ll most probably live like this your whole life. If we give you another chance, the outcomes will most probably be the same due to the attacks. There’s no point in wasting time…why are you torturing yourself…stop being too stubborn.”

Disclaimer: I hold no ill feelings against anyone. This is life. I’m writing this, to put my thoughts out of my messy brain, as a part of my healing. It is not my intention to talk bad about anyone.

 

That was when I told them that I might opt to change university and study medicine back in Malaysia, while receiving proper treatment with family support close to me. Talk about tough love.

 

I have nothing to say to that. I won’t lie, her words shattered me into pieces. It hurt the most when I was blatantly being told that I’d most probably live with the anxiety my whole life. I mean, come on, I might not cure my anxiety, but.. I don’t want to spend the rest of life having panic attacks to a point where I’m dysfunctional. Anxiety and panic attacks are REALLY annoying okay. 🙄

 

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Art by http://www.neonmag.fr/

 

I made it clear to them that I’d only received therapy with medications five months ago, and masyaAllah, the improvements were tremendous, though perhaps it is still not enough for me to overcome the anxiety attacks. But seriously guys, after almost 3-4 years, I almost feel like I’m in control again! 😄

 

It’s alright. I don’t hold any grudges against anyone. 😊 Probably they don’t understand anxiety. I can only speak for myself, but among anything else, this anxiety is a pretty good experience for me to really understand how dreadful it is for patients with mental illness. It’s a humbling learning experience, not that I ever wish anxiety to anyone tho. It’s horrible!

 

Honestly, I believe I can manage my anxiety with all the ongoing treatments. My gut feeling tells me that I will, one day, be a doctor. There are too many patients that need me to sparkle up their day anyways! 😝

 

p/s Heh 😅, a dear friend mocked me when I talked about gut feeling or instinct. I guess I’m more incline to my intuition. Okay juga balik Malaysia, dah lama tak dengar Azan. Rindu!

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